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TEDx Talks
Title: Own Your Behaviours, Master Your Communication, Determine Your Success | Louise Evans | TEDxGenova
Published: 2017-01-11
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BZuWrdC-9Q
I'd like to introduce you to these five chairs because they are actually the real protagonists of my talk and they have a special message to give to all of us and the message is about what behaviors and attitudes we bring into the world in every moment now to show you what I mean I have a story to tell you from my personal life and I was
trying to build a stronger relationship with a very important person the daughter of my partner twenty wrote to water and to do that I thought let's have a great evening out just two girls together and I chose a special venue the Blue Note jazz club in Milan and that note that button lights the Manhattan transfer which is my favorite jazz group were playing so we meet
atmosphere is fantastic with getting on very well and I am happy and %HESITATION being a baby or baby boomer loving the music and I thought well if she liking as much as I am and so in that moment I just turned to look at how to check and what did I see I saw this she was on the home life not how to react I have
some choices first choice excuse me doing so in her life well I mean I spent all this time and money thinking reflect the evening I bring him here on what off to two minutes I take my eyes off and she's on her phone money what is wrong with this generation on big they put in the tension spun up fruit fly choice number two this was a
mistake why did I bring her here I mean she's bored she's not interested she doesn't like the music what was I thinking I meet why should she like the music I mean this is stuff for baby boomers she probably thinks she's spending the evening with a dinosaur hi choice number three hold your horses count to ten take a deep breath don't jump to conclusions you don't
know what she's doing on her iPhone so just relax take it easy have another drink Jerusalem before not you know what's really important for me is that that evening this evening together with it is special but she feels that after this you she can really open up to me I feel safe with me and that she's I'm always an open door for her that's what's really
important me I'm I just hope it's going to happen I just choice number five what's important for her what's going on in her world right now what's important for hi I'm really would love to connect to home what do I need to do that you know I was having real problems trying to answer that question and in that moment she turned to me and she said
Joey's did you know that this is the only pure note in the whole of Europe and there's one in New York and then this too in Japan but this is the only one here in Milan that's incredible is the town is a product and he said %HESITATION %HESITATION and I picked up the Manhattan transfer to know that they've been playing and singing together for forty years
I think credible arm and she's a phone also she handed me her iPhone she sent a message out on Facebook said in the Blue Note in Milan with my thumb chest and Louise the best now what that was a close shave I mean I couldn't really spoiled back because I could have sent her a disapproving look from this chair and she could have started telling his
sons about me things about me like movies she is controlling it's difficult it's not easy to be around her a not was not my intention tool and the fact she was completely engaged she was there multitasking in her digital way but she was in hot sing are realities so in many seconds I could have destroyed that beautiful moment that we were creating together and this is
what we doing all the time is we making choices about the behaviors that we bring into the world and the choices that we make have a direct impact on the conversations that we have the relationships that we form and the quality of our lives in general so what do we do other practical level to help us be more conscious about this because we don't get trained
in this school is not on the school curriculum how to behave well really so what can we do about the idea of the five chairs came to me when I went and attended a nine day course in the non violent communication with its late founder Marshall Rosenberg an extraordinary man who did so much for world peace and after that it's sort of changed my life after
that I decided that it was a message that I need to to get into a workplace what places where I spend most of my time being a coach the facilitator and the training Trina and I'm also aware we produce some of our most questionable behaviors sometimes toxic behaviors so the idea of the five chairs is to help us slowed down how we are behaving in every
moment of our lives and to analyze what's going on so what I would like to do is look at the Chas more closely and explain them the vet check so this is the jackal chat a bit like that it chuckles incredibly clever and incredibly I'm opportunistic animals they're always on the lookout attack and I am in fact this trailer hit is the chat where we miss
behave the most in this chair we love to blame to complain to punish to gossip but the US Supreme game in this chair is a touch and if you don't believe me I invite you to go on the mental diet I invite you to spend one hour with some human beings and see if you can do it without one single judgment going through your mind I
think people watch asos somebody walks in the door we go this alike don't like not really interested we don't know anything about the toll so this to hear is a judging check this possession of the game that I love in this chair is it's the I'm right game and I used to do that all time all the time until my brother came I used to do
it with my mother because my mother likes to exaggerate so she would say something like I yes they with thirty people of the family gathering and my job was to correct knives and no ma they went fatigue they with thirteen so I was the policeman of the situation my brother touched me on the arm and he said it doesn't matter to which I reacted completely doesn't
of course it matters she's wrong and she needs to be corrected for her own good he touched me on the arm again and he said do you want to be in the relationship to all big lesson from then on I always looked upon my mother's exaggeration as a form of abundance so hit in this chat what we tend to do is we see we tend to
see what is wrong with all of the P. the love of them what is right a mother to Reza reminds us the more we judge people the less time we have to love them the mixture is the hedgehog chair the other check not the hedgehog wouldn't when we behave like a child's we feel very vulnerable of the co op and we picked a repeat we protect
ourselves against what we feel is an evil world and what we do is we must service the judge ourselves in this chance to each other return this check the red chair on ourselves and we see things like on not intelligent enough account do this nobody believes in me I think we have certain fears we have fears of being rejected fields of fears of disappointing fears of
feeding and we also play the victim so it's nobody cares for me nobody loves me but I felt when I wake when I use this in companies and I'll ask manages and I say where do you spend the most most of your time how the anybody comes and sits here because it's quite difficult to admit to our weaknesses as we need a lot of courage and
yet we all suffer from self doubt but it's really what do we do with also dot do we give up and give in or do we say no I want to find resources and grow and Krishnamurti says something wonderful he says the highest form of intelligence is the ability to observe ourselves without judging so next ten this is the meerkat chair I don't know if you've
ever seen a black cat that not many in it but %HESITATION they are incredible when they own our own Sentinel duty they can stay for one hour just like this one hour moving the head and only the head incredibly vigilant when we are in this check this is what we do remind full with very where we observant stop we poor as we take a deep breath
and the conscious this is the weight chair W. A. I. T. what am I thinking what am I telling myself so here we become very curious so if somebody is angry incentive saying I got sick grow up with you we think room I wonder why that person's angry and we feel interested so this chair hit is when I think of Nietzsche this is such an important
quote for this chair he says you have your way I have my way as for the right way and the only way it does not so here we have a choice the red pill or the blue pill the sliding door chair and in this moment when we make the right choice we moving to six of these successful living next chat here we go into the world
of detect now whiny detect to take because we become detective of ourselves like Sherlock Holmes of ourselves we take a magnifying gloss and we look at our behaviors it's a beautiful chair this because we become self aware we know who we are we know what we want we know where we going we not afraid to say ikat truce but we also create our boundaries we took
off to Russell in this chair but with very very powerful we don't give up power away he we give up our way so hit we grow we come free coming to a full power and we become assertive but not aggressive so Aristotle said knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom and we can be here for our whole lives why the dolphin the dolphin because such
a wonderful animal it's playful it's tentative intelligent it communicates pew the one I think of the dolphin I think of us of our very best as human beings so next chair this is the giraffe chair very beautiful chair very difficult I don't know if you know but the jury Roelof has the biggest hot of all land animals and not only does it have the biggest heart
it also has the longest neck so it has incredible vision and so when we are in this chair we are displaying empathy and compassion and understanding and in this chair we put our egos on the back burner and we listened to people we hold people enough crescents and we care for them and stepping into somebody else's shoes and understanding them is a great act of generosity
Abraham Lincoln once said I don't like Batman I must get to know him and so in this chair it's an invitation to look at other perspectives to embrace other realities to embrace diverse city and to become tolerant and the most important question in this chair is what is important I him or her in front of me and the intention in this chair is to stay connected
what ever how so these are the choices how do we translate this into daily life we can imagine if you go to work maybe you can go and you give a presentation and the goes really well so you're here thing cost then maybe you have a meeting of things go badly and sink into these chairs now our challenge every day is to understand how to find
the balance between sitting here and sitting here because it was sitting here life is not a happy but it was sitting here in these chairs with more rational we're more open with more intelligent and more forceful so something that really moved me very very deeply when I first read it was this Victor Frankel in his book in mine search for meaning said everything can be taken
from man but one thing the lost of human freedoms to choose our attitude in any given set of circumstance this is so powerful so when you next want to simply your children or argue with your partner or punish someone at work time coming to this chair here and think and if by chance you end up in this chair which very often happens can we find the
courage to say I'm sorry and make everything right again so my invitation to you is to take these tests home with you play with them make them your own teach until kids they get this immediately put five of them in the boardroom a book and watch how you meetings and the next time somebody press is one of your red buttons think five chairs five choices can
