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Channel / Source:
TEDx Talks
Published: 2017-02-03
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCA6EF3y23k
so let alone walk you agreed to preface that that I am so first off what an honor what a privilege to be on the stage getting how this conversation with you all the truth is that I've been the past three years in college locker rooms having conversations with young men about the importance of respecting women I was recently invited to a major university and as I
was being debriefed on the way in I mean what was going Pacific to their locker room I was informed that there was one player who had his baby mama that there were four other players that where he seen rape allegations with four separate women that there was another two players good films and watched one of the rapes of an unconscious girl in knowing all of this
one of the head coaches came in the day after the election and he started the chance we can grab women by the pussy because this is America well that is not the America that I know and the truth is that sexual assault is but a symptom of the problem the problem is the mindsets how these young men are being programmed to think about to talk about
and treats women now before I dive into the whole talk I'd like I'd the preface with if you disclaimers one I'm absolutely going to mess up I just accepted that that's gonna happen in a public in a blink out at some point so please be gentle with me on top of it there are brilliant people who dedicated their entire lives to this conversation and institutions who
paved the way so I am offering my humble to send number to protect her is but a starting place for us we recognize that men are also sexually assaulted one in sixteen we know that the LGBT community is also assaulted and while those communities absolutely deserve our attention for the sake of this conversation I am going to be speaking about her because violence against women is
a house on fire and I will be speaking in heterosexual stereotypes number three protects her is not implying that women are weak and that we can't protect ourselves so we need men to come and help protect us protect her is an invitation for all of humanity to better prioritize the women and girls now what's interesting is that some schools call me because you know at the
end of the day they care about what's going on in their locker rooms but before I ever started in locker rooms I worked in growing power meant for a decade when I was nineteen years old I founded a nonprofit called I am that girl were basically a badass version of girl scouts for college girls we have about a million girls involves now we just opened up
a chapter in our twentieth country so the truth is thank you man I did that the truth is that I have a name and a face in a story for every time someone talks about girls in statistic form and it wasn't until three years ago that you gave Ross entrant Dilfer called me they asked me to come give a talk to the top eighteen high school
quarterbacks for a TV show called a Liga Levin what I didn't realize was that when it aired on ESPN a week later everything with ray rice would come out and suddenly I was that girl in the locker room having tough love conversations with men about the importance of respecting women now probably helped to that I worked at foxsports ESPN in that I grew up in Texas
where football is a religion that I grew up with four older brothers my father is the very best man that I know my husband was a professional athlete for nine years and what's interesting is all of a sudden being hired by division one countries all over the country that I was invited behind the velvet curtain to better understand what was going on with them like I
said there were some schools who are hiring me because they had an incident going on in our locker rooms in their other schools who are just legitimately concerned and I'd one head coach called me and he said he was worried because he had a daughter and the way in which these young men were talking about women that were so disrespectful so sure enough I fly out
and I'm sitting there and half way through my top were sitting in a circle in the locker he could imagine the only girl and half way through my talk when the guys raises hand and he says you know I get aids %HESITATION importance to route to respect shakes but it's cool the fuck chicks you can imagine coaches like you gotta be kidding me he's like sitting
there shaking his head looking down at the ground it's I look up this kid and I said okay set soon now is this long pause immediately he's you know looking at his boys left and right or equally mortified staring down at ground like you gotta be kidding me were for sure running sprints now and so after a minute of awkward silence goes by I I I
look up at that here's the thing I'm I'm not necessarily disagreeing I'm just saying you made a really opinionated statement you said it's cool to fuck girls I'm just saying says who and finally he looks up I mean he says I don't know and I said yeah that's that's the problem you see is that you're on auto pilot you've been programmed to think that way the
right handed a scripts that someone gave you the definition of cool that's not even years and you've the audacity to pawn it off as though you're being original mother father preacher teacher I'm not here to tell you how to live your life I am simply inviting you to be brave enough to author your own life to come up with your own definitions and I think for
yourself he came up to me after the talk you gave me a really awkward hug you said thank you and I looked at him and I said for what he said no one has ever asked me to think for myself I don't think you for the invitation now I have a thousand stories of adventure has been the only girl in the locker room and I've stories
would make you laugh in they would make you cry in they would make you cringe and they would break your heart but more than anything else they would leave you hopeful you see I was put on the planet to empower women I was mean known about it a really young age but it wasn't until I stood in a room full of alpha dudes that I realized
that I'd been missing the point only preaching to half the sky the violence against women is not a women's issue although we are incredibly capable creatures violence against women is a human issue and it requires all of us participating and the truth is the majority of these young men feel that they have never been invited to sit at our table and because I'm not Santa and
I can't find every single school although lord knows I've tried I've spent two hundred twenty days on the year two hundred and twenty days a year on the road for the past three years so we created the first ever protector program they can be integrated into college locker rooms to invite young men to broaden their definition of manhood because we believe that in order to protect
the dorm rooms that we have to activate the hearts and the minds of the locker rooms now a few things that I've learned being in the trenches with these guys that's first and foremost we have to make them aware of their programming we have to get the most distracted generation in history to pause long enough to be introspective to ask the hard questions says who we
know that they consume ten hours a media a day media at bay glorifies violence against women that's inherently disrespectful did hyper sexualized and objectified we know that they consume three thousand brand images every day spoon feeding them a definition of manhood that's been hijacked by a cheap clone wearing Ken doll lacking moral constitution self respect and authentic confidence we know that the majority of these young
men learn about sex through porn so maybe we can stop being so shocked because they're doing exactly what we as a society are programming them to do in there doing it very well so maybe as a society we can better educate them on sex and healthy relationships two we have to have a conversation about identity we have to broaden their definition of manhood because the consensus
in the locker room right now it's very easy in pretty achievable it's be the rich if you can get famous as you can in bang as many girls as you can now it's interesting because my my husband had a brilliant idea he said what we have to do my husband is here he's a six nine poster boy feminism they have brilliant suggestion was we have to
get these young men to stop viewing women just as sexual objects but to remind them the women are human beings too he said so honestly if I were you I would just like pull pictures of their girl friends and sisters and mom some social media I put it in your presentation that might have been voiced by the way and and so with this brilliant idea so
the for the first thought that I ever gave for elite eleven I put pictures of all all the women that they love in I put up a slide in it says one and for girls to be sexually assaulted on a college campus and of course their eyes glaze over and now here we go we're gonna have this conversation and then I click the next slide in
as that but it's different when it's her and I memorize ten to fifteen names and said it's different Sarah when it's Lauren and when it's Jenny and now these guys are looking at their sixteen year old sister half the guys in the room started crying we have to re frame this issue to make is supremely personal to them number three we have to have a conversation
about respect you can't give something that you don't have we have to imbue these young men with more self respect so that they're able to treat others with more dignity but the one on me was that we are not teaching enough emotional education in school right now we're certainly not teaching these young men how to create an authentic confidence so they are sourcing it from exactly
where they know how your performance through popularity in through possessions we have to broaden a definition of confidence that is not contingent on social media highlight reels an external validation fourth we have to have a real talk with these guys I've yet to come into a locker room where they use words like Kingston in bystander those are words that we use right in our shiny star
studded PSAs I've yet to hear of a guy come in and raise his hand like the others is really great opportunity of for us bystanders deter bead I've never heard of a guy but I you know we're in the middle hooking up and I'm not gonna lie like because then I was like I just wanna make sure that officially have your consent moving forward and that's
not that's not me poking fun at the intention behind these words that is that we have to give them real language in real tools for the moments that were asking them to be brave we have to work with them Indian conversation with them to offer them language when they see something sketchy being able to say you know we don't do that then in the middle of
hooking up to give them who claim wage like you I just wanna make sure you're cool with us having sex because as long as we're talking to them like academic robots I think we're setting them up to fail and as far as a few calls to action anyone in media please stop crucifying coaches in universities when this stuff happens in their locker room where it pandemic
levels this is happening everywhere instead just celebrate universities who are doing it right so we can inspire others to follow suit for coaches in educators please invest in programs like these that are preventative medicine we cannot continue to three dollars the symptoms putting bandaids on bullet wounds for parents out there you hold all the power in your wallets demanded that in order for you to pay
tuition this schools have to invest in the safety of both your daughters in your son's for students out there ask your administration to invest in these kind of programs ever student athletes out there say that you're not going to sign with any university that isn't making prevention up I or any for policy makers out there if you have to have a driver's license to drive a
car why would you not have to take a mandatory sexual assault of it prevention program in order to attend a college or play sports for the National League team owners would you be so audacious as defined a protector pledge this says that you won't draft any students who have sexual assault convictions to be a professional athlete is a privilege it's a real life superhero in this
country and you literally have the ability to change the entire game with those kind of standards lastly protector is a battle cry it's a belief system it is a cultural identity that is rooted in the inherent respect for women right now as we sit in this auditorium we have women in bad habits men all over the country marching standing at their capital saying that this is
this the new business that he hit that our country right wants to make it easy for us to sit in an auditorium in it's easy for us to hear these different toxin to be inspired by and the truth is this kind of audacious shift in culture is going to demand that the war here that the gladiator that that protector in you and in me rises to
the occasion to create a new definition of normal we're girls and women and all people are treated with dignity and respect because the truth is that men are not simply the problem when it comes to violence against women they're also the cure and we've never needed them so much so for the real men out there consider this your invitation thank you so much
