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Channel / Source:
TEDx Talks
Published: 2013-11-08
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2PP3p4_4R8
alright so if you want to achieve your goals don't focus on that goes against everything we've ever said about goals right everything everyone ever talks about about goals is you pick out what it is you want to do you set your goals right on down you stay focused on then you check your list over and over again you come back to it and that's how you
achieve your goals why have learned over the course of my life and watching other people is that any other things that that is not the way to achieve goals we all talk about setting goals we don't talk that much about how do you actually achieve goals so I started learning this lesson with my first girlfriend in life her name was less Sandra Johnson you gotta never
seen with Andrea take my word for it she was the most beautiful six greater god ever created and for the record I was in sixth grade to I have to look at this girl think everyday I would love for this honor to be my girlfriend that was young and I was afraid so I guess the thing to wear one they have pending on the playground during
recess I don't know where the courage came from but I decided today is the day I was gonna wait another day I turn my buddy Josh that Europe and if the job go asunder to go with me then he goes walking over to her and he poses the question Birla group of friends giggles she says something back sick of walking back immediate that Reggie Lozano said
if you want her to be your girlfriend you gotta ask yourself I thought I'm in sixth grade I think my best man what he wants where there was no way I was gonna ask you myself like if he had to think about her for the rest of the school year summer break came up out of all the Sandra Johnson every day of summer break the next
US seventh grade that at my school yet a different class every hour and lockers between classes were first hour I had which shop first I love Sandra have home economics at my school you letters change one class is only the clash moving out of minutes the same time as a clash of moving into so I walk in the principal's office that I'd like to change from
which shop the home economics I work in the home EC room there twenty two or twenty three girls in this classroom one boy named Juergen coon and now me I have to go on and tear of recommended to move over so I guess that necklace Sandra Johnson and that day I have her to go with me myself thank you thank you he said no that was
my first lesson the prerogative of women there would be many more but make a long story short let Sandra did end up becoming my girlfriend for two weeks and three days later in this school year I tell that story because that's the first time in my life that I can say that I purposely focused on the part that was in my control and ignore the part
that was outside of my control that was the first time in my life that I purposely focused on my behaviors rather than my goal we set goals for ourselves but our goals are things that are outside of our control whatever it is you want to achieve in your life your if you if you're a student you would get an a in a class that's outside of
your control you don't get to write a piece on all of your papers never teachers going to grade those papers you devotees you're gonna give you assignments somebody else the setting the curriculum someone else's grading you you don't control what your greatest if you if you want to be the world's best salesman you don't get to make all the sales yourself you don't get you both
sides of the transaction you gotta recruit customers in your life goals require you to have the participation of other people therefore they are outside of your control so if you spend too much time focusing on your goals you never achieve them behaviors by contrast I think that you alone can do it doesn't take that parent teacher I coach a friend and neighbor a spouse child doesn't
require anyone else you alone can do behaviors and behaviors of the things that you focus on in order to achieve your goals you know and look in the situation with love Sandra Johnson and I when I was focused on my goal which was to have this girl be my girlfriend I couldn't speak to her boss walking past in the hallway in my head all the time
was the Sadrist you don't wanna be microphone was on just you don't want to be my girlfriend were walking past in the hallway I would turn the other way I would not even say hello to her because I was terrified all I could think about was my goal Machito my friend John if rates you must be to be a girlfriend you gotta ask himself I heard
a yes so I stopped thinking about the goal the goal had already been achieved I came back to focusing on my behaviors once I started focusing on my behaviors I figured out what class he had in first hour I learned the rules at our school about changing classes I went to the principal's office talking to adults then he lets not gonna change class I got a
girl to catch I walk in the home EC room a room full of girls out a free to talk to one girl now there's a room full of girls now is like ladies I'm here I asked Tara to move over so I guess that necklace Sandra and she did I hello swagger to me because I heard yes and when I heard yes I stop focusing on
the goal and I started focusing on my behavior and I got myself in a position to achieve my goal which she said no at the time but later he said yes but I I learned years later when I look back and I thought about that but that's really the model for what happens in life is a metaphor if you think about what what we all go
through if that's a weight loss role on a diet at one point or another I'm on one now involuntarily my wife is put me on one yeah but we're all on a diet at one point or another and how does the diet starts it starts with a goal you say I will lose ten pounds by the end of the year okay that's great you have a
goal if you stay focused on that goal you will never lose ten pounds because what's the next thing we do we go from our goal to the scale we say okay I'm gonna step on the scale scale please tell me if I've lost any of these ten pounds I haven't %HESITATION I have a lot of bragging to pound okay and we keep coming back to the
scale and you know you go through a week where you eat well you're exercising your you drink a lot of water you doing all the right things and get on the scale and you gain weight you quit the diet if you focus on your goal you won't achieve it instead you have to focus on your behaviors your behaviors are watering your control you control the food
that you put in your mouth you control the liquid that you put in your mouth you control how much exercise you do you control how you feel about the weight that you are you control how you feel about the amount of food that you're eating you could either be alive feel deprived and miserable all my guy is the worst thing in the world a meeting last
night if they eat I'm starving all that Bonneville memorable I daily amount of diet of all or you can say you know I'm proud of myself I'm eating less than I used to eat I had this instead of that I feel good when I get I know that if I keep this up when I get on the scale the skills gonna tell me something good if
the skill doesn't tell me something good right now I know that if I keep this up I'm gonna get one going right now we treat the scale is if the scale is an oracle sit down from god to tell us about ourselves when you're on a diet is like %HESITATION mighty oracle please tell me what I think about myself today if the oracle has spoken if
you focus too much on your goal focus on what it is you way then you're never going to achieve your goal you have to focus on your behaviors nothing about our kids we have goals for our kids we want our kids to be responsible we want them to be mature we want them to work hard in school to work hard their extracurricular to hang out with
the right people we want them to %HESITATION being gays yeah we want we want all these wonderful things for our kids and because we want these things Forman because we focus on those goals for them we spend most of our time as parents being agitated why are you doing I told you not to do that yeah where do your homework nearly one page and I told
you that you don't like that and we spent all our time busting in busting in busting because these kids won't do what are what we have in mind for them in terms of our goals we are focused on our goal if you focus on your goal you'll never achieve it you have to focus on your behaviors behavior things are in your control solely so you can't
control what your kids do you can control your reaction to your kids you control over warts you control consequences you control your consistency you control whether you deliver on the things that you say you're going to do you control what you respond your kids a level ten or a level three you control which you control when you focus on the part this in your control which
of your behaviors you tend to achieve your goals so how does this work out of the way that I do in my life when I set a goal for myself I also I make it I make a goal and I say you know whatever it is that one lose ten pounds so then I immediately look and I say behaviors are very short term I only believe
that I can control my behaviours for seven days that's it so when I set a goal I say what can I do today that's gonna help me get close to that goal what can I do tomorrow that's gonna help me get close to that goal and what can I do this week that's going to give me closer to that goal today tomorrow and this week I
write things down in those three categories and plan out how I'm going to go after the goals that I have in my life and that gets me focused on my behaviors and I know that if I focus on my behaviors day after day I keep myself motivated day after day I feel good about what I've done because I say I did this I did that I
did that I'm not worried about the goal I'm not worried about how much I weigh I'm no word about how many sales I mean I'm not worried about anything that's outside of my control I'm focus one hundred percent on the part that's in my control if you want to achieve your goals don't focus on you want to achieve your goals you have to focus on the
