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Title: Emotional Mastery: The Gifted Wisdom of Unpleasant Feelings | Dr Joan Rosenberg | TEDxSantaBarbara
Published: 2016-09-21
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKy19WzkPxE
I'm nineteen years old Amer camp concert in northern Minnesota summer camp and I'm on a hay ride beautiful night and I'm listening into the conversation next to me trying to figure out how to break in keeping conduct myself not sure where it was going how I could break in and just as we're about to turn into the girls came from the boy's camp which is where
we were headed one of the counselors turns to me looks at me and others may in the ribs and says Hey Joan you know what you're boring %HESITATION boring want felt like she took a fork stabbing my garden just spun around now most of us have our own versions of those gut punch moments I'm not sure what it is for you but that was a big
moment for me the end that moment and a few other key life experiences really sparked my interest become a psychologist and to understand what it was that really help someone develop self esteem and self confidence across thirty five years of research tens of thousands of hours of counselling other individuals and teaching and supervising there was one element the I. remained captivated by and still am to
this day and it's unpleasant feelings unpleasant feelings more than anything else what I found what holds people back is their inability other challenges with dealing with unpleasant feelings yet nobody really teaches us what to do or how to handle them it seems so silly so silly I am excited about unpleasant feelings who the heck gets excited about unpleasant feelings if you can meal if you can
experience and move through eight unpleasant feelings you can pursue anything you want in life how one choice eight feelings ninety seconds it's a simple formula and this is one my colleagues and clients affectionately call the Rosenberg reset now most of us believe that our happiness in life comes from the big choices that we make and that's it's actually not the big choices there's a real misconception
there it's the moment to moment choices those big choices we think help us determine the degree of our happiness from a day to day basis or well being from a day to day basis not true it's actually the little choices the moment to moment once ponder the moments that you have denied your feelings as opposed to pay attention to them it's those that matter that's what's
going to free you up so let's unpack the formula one choice make the choice to stay present fully present be aware of him in touch with your moment to moment experience it's about awareness not avoidance think of a time that you had a conversation with somebody that perhaps you've been disappointed in a conversation with your friend or with your partner or your spouse and check in
with yourself here be gentle did you do what most of us do did you run did you hide did you shut down did you distract it really obvious ways like I don't know food alcohol or drugs Saks pornography shopping social media did you distractor escape in less obvious ways like tightening up tightening his muscles or holding your breath or swallowing hard just to try to keep
those feelings at bay or did you stay fully present aware of and in touch with your moment to moment experience that's the best choice except it's your choice you make that one my prescription stay present stay fully present you can do this in fact we can all do this it just takes a willingness it takes Formula and it takes a decision let's go to the second
stop a second step has to do with handling it unpleasant feelings they're the unpleasant feelings of sadness shame helplessness anger but vulnerability embarrassment disappointment and frustration now most of us like to see those feelings as bad or negative they're not bad or negative they're simply unpleasant and uncomfortable so going forward can we make an agreement that you're going to shift your language and it's no longer
going to be bad or negative feelings they're simply going to be unpleasant and uncomfortable it's an important shift why them do we want to avoid all those feelings well we're afraid that if they start them over stop or the be too intense and they will overwhelm us or we will lose control or will go out of control except the key here is why they're also so
important why does it matter so much and it matters because our experience of feeling capable in the world of experiencing emotional strength is directly tied to our capacity to both experience and move through those unpleasant feelings is it all it wants no it's not it's one of your time like we can feel disappointment and anger at the same time so again if you can experience and
move through those eight unpleasant feelings a sadness shame helplessness anger vulnerability embarrassment disappointment and frustration then you will begin to experience growing confidence and emotional strength and what do I mean by this move through well neuroscientists suggest that when an emotional feeling gets triggered that chemicals released by our brain that flashed through her bloodstream and they activate bodily sensations sort of a bio chemical rush and
them flush let me translate and this is super important what we feel emotionally is felt in the body first as a bodily or physical sensation it wasn't good let me repeat that what we feel emotionally is experienced in the body first as a bodily or physical sensation that's what we want to distract from that's what we want to get away from its not that we don't
want to feel something emotionally we absolutely do wanna feel emotionally we want the whole range of feelings we just don't want the bodily sensations that let us know what we're feeling what unpleasant feelings might you be moving away from what might be holding you back stop and notice where you might experience it in your body and and if there's a time where you ever said to
yourself I never want to experience that again probably some of those those feelings or wants to move towards to start to embrace for me it was involved with that gut punch embarrassment was really difficult so was disappointment and so was vulnerability but let's get to the solution the solution has to do with writing the way remember that by a chemical rush I mentioned a few moments
ago the bulk chemical rush we can think of is a wave and it went that way if gets fired off in the body it lasts roughly sixty to ninety seconds which means feelings are temporary so from the time it gets fired into often the brain and it goes through our bloodstream and then dissipates sixty to ninety seconds you can handle sixty to ninety seconds right heck
that's less than half a song all of us can do that and if you think of a beach libitol parallel to what you think of a peach then as as you walk along the shoreline what you'll notice is that the waves can come up tumultuous Lee they can come up moderately they can come up mildly and before walking along that shoreline will notice that the wave
seem to just hang on linger for a moment before they subside and you know what that's also true for our feelings they can come up tumultuous Lee moderately mildly and they seemed to linger or hang for a moment and then they always subside that's the beauty of it always subside is it one well I've no it's not it's more than one wave anytime you think over
this and think about the same memory it's gonna far off that same approximate what and grief grief as waves of waves the feelings of anger and sadness and disappointment kind of all mixed together anybody who's experienced a significant loss knows this those waves can come up so tumultuous Slee an unexpectedly or spontaneously and dislike were just kinda left with them and they will always subside so
for the thing again here for you to do is to stay present to the experience serve those ninety second women's surf them anyway you want and just let them ride out their course in the moment you'll feel so honored you feel calming a few relief insights will follow and with consistent practice you may even be able to unhook from old life stories I have been the
joyful recipient of countless stories of individuals who have mended relationships who have engaged in courageous conversations who have pursued goals that they wanted to pursue and the most important one I think is when people come back and tell me that they feel so much more comfortable in their own skin that's the benefit I thought when I was called boring was a low moment in my life
it turns out that moment shifted me and it's enabled me to shift countless thousands of lives so the next time you experience unpleasant feelings embrace them join me in the excitement know that they are the path back to you being more fully you stay present stay fully present experience them surf those waves it won't take years it won't even take a day in fact it will
