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Channel / Source:
TEDx Talks
Published: 2015-12-24
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRrNST9OAcA
I'm a painter I make large scale figurative paintings which means I pay people like this but I'm here tonight to tell you about something personal that changed my work and my perspective it's something we all go through and my hope is that my experience may be helpful to somebody to give you some background on me I grew up the youngest of eight yes eight kids in
my family I have six older brothers and a sister to give you a sense of what that's like when my family went on vacation we had a bus my super mom would drive us all over town to our various after school activities not in the bus we had a regular car to %HESITATION if you take me to art classes and not just one or two she
took me to every available art class from when I was eight to sixteen because that's all I wanted to do she even took a class with me in New York City now being the youngest of eight I learned a few survival skills rule number one don't let your Big Brother see you do anything stupid so I learned to be quiet and meets a careful to follow
the rules stay online but heating was where I made the rules that was my private world by fourteen I knew I really wanted to be an artist my big plan was to be a waitress to support my painting so I continued honing my skills I went to graduate school to get an MFA and up my first solo show my brother asked me what all these red
dots mean next of the painting nobody was more surprised than me the red dots meant that the paintings were sold and that I'd be able to pay my rent with painting now my apartment have for electrical outlets and I couldn't use a microwave and a toaster at the same time still I could pay my rent so I was very happy here's a painting from back around
that time %HESITATION I need it to be as realistic as possible it had to be specific and believable this was the place where I was isolated and in total control since then I've made a career of painting people in water bathtubs and showers were the perfect enclosed environment it was intimate and private and water was this complicated challenge that kept me busy for a decade I
made about two hundred of these paintings some of them six to eight feet like this one for this painting I mix flour and with the bath water to make it cloudy and I floated cooking oil on the surface and stuck a girl in it and when I leave it out it was so beautiful I couldn't we to paint it it was driven by this kind of
impulsive curiosity always looking for something new to add vinyl steam classic I once put all this vaseline in my head and hair to see what that would look like don't do that so it was going well as finding my way I was eager and motivated and surrounded by artists I was going to openings and events I was having some success and recognition and I moved into
an apartment with more than four outlets my mom and I would stay up very late talking about our latest ideas and inspiring each other she made beautiful pottery I have a friend named Bo who made this painting of his wife and I dancing by the ocean and he called it the light years ask him what that meant and he said and that's when you stepped into
adulthood you're no longer a child but you're not yet weighed down by the responsibilities of life since the late years on October eighth two thousand eleven the late years came to an end my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer it's for a tour bones and it was in her brain what you told me this I fell to my knees totally lost it and when I got
myself together and I looked at her I realized this isn't about me says about figuring out how to help her my father's a doctor and so we had a great advantage having him in charge and he did a beautiful job taking care of our but I too wanted to do everything I could to help so I want to try everything we all did I researched alternative
medicines diets she was saying acupuncture finally I asked her if that's what you want me to do and she said no she said pace yourself I'm gonna need you later she knew what was happening she knew what the doctors are not experts in the internet didn't know how she wanted to go through this I just needed to ask her I realized that if I try to
fix it I would miss it so I just started to be with her whatever that meant to whatever situation came up it's really listen to if before I was resisting on now surrendering giving up trying to control the uncontrollable and just being there in it with her time slowed down and the date was irrelevant we developed a routine early each morning I would crawl into bed
with her and sleep whether my brother would come for breakfast and we be so glad to hear his car coming up the driveway so I'd help her up and take both her hands and helper walk to the kitchen she had this huge mug she made she left to drink a coffee out of and she loved Irish soda bread for breakfast afterwards was the shower and she
loved this part she loved the warm water so I made this as indulgent as I could like a spa my sister would help sometimes we had warm towels M. slippers ready immediately so she never got called for a second a blow dryer hair my brothers would come in the evenings and bring their kids that was the highlight of her day over time we started to use
a wheelchair she didn't want to eat so much and she uses the tiniest little teacup we could find to drink her coffee I couldn't supporter myself anymore so we hired an aide to help me with the showers these simple daily activities became our sacred ritual and we repeated them day after day as the cancer group it was humbling and painful and exactly where I wanted to
be we call this time the beautiful awful she died on October twenty sixth two thousand twelve it was a year and three weeks after her diagnosis she was gone my brother sister and father and I all came together in this port of an attentive way it was a slow our whole family dynamic and all are established rules vanished and we were just all together in this
unknown feeling the same program and taking care of each other so grateful for them as someone who spends most of my time alone in the studio working I had no idea that this kind of connection could be so important so healing this was the most important thing that's what I always wanted so after the funeral it was time for me to go back to my studio
so I packed up my car and I drove back to Brooklyn and hating is what I've always done so that's what I get and here's what happened it's like a release of everything that was unraveling in me %HESITATION that safe very very carefully rendered safe place that I created and all my other paintings was a myth it didn't work and I was afraid because I didn't
want to paint anymore so I went into the woods thought try that going outside I got my paints and I was in a landscape painter but I wasn't really much of any kind of painter also I had no attachment no expectation which allowed me to be reckless and free actually left one of these wet paint things outside overnight next to a light in the woods I
had the morning it was lacquered with bugs but I can carry it didn't matter didn't matter I took all these feelings back to my studio and scraped them and carved into them and poured paint thinner on him but more pain on top drew ana had no plan but I was watching what was happening this is the one with all the bugs in it I wasn't trying
to represent a real space it was further chaos and the imperfections that were fascinating me and something started to happen I got curious again this is another one from the woods there is a copy out now though I couldn't be controlling the paint like I used to it had to be about implying in suggesting not explaining or describing and that M. perfect chaotic turbulent surface is
what told the story I started to be as curious as I was when I was a student so the next thing was I wanted to put paintings I wanted put figures in these paintings people and I love this new environment so I wanted to have both people and this atmosphere when the idea hit me of how to do this I got kind of nauseous and dizzy
which is really just adrenaline probably but for me it's a really good sign and %HESITATION so now I want to show you what I've been working on it's something I haven't shown yet and dislike a preview I guess of my upcoming show what I have so far expensive space instead of the isolated bathtub going outside instead of inside loosening control savoring the imperfections allowing the allowing
the imperfections and in that imperfection and you can find a voter vulnerability I could feel my my deepest intention what matters most to me of human connection that can happen in a space where there's no resisting or controlling I wanna make paintings about that so here's what I learned we're all going to have big losses in our lives maybe a job or career relationships love our
youth we're gonna lose our health people we love these kinds of losses are out of our control they're unpredictable and they bring us to our knees and so I say let them fall to your knees be humbled let go of trying to change it or even wanting it to be different it just is and then there's space and in that space feel your vulnerability what matters
