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TEDx Talks
Published: 2016-09-02
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xKXLPuju8U
mmhm relationships are difficult everybody knows that most people think it's because of money sacks kids work or who picks up the socks some people think it's because we're just not right for each other or we don't have enough in common look it's not just to you or him or her there's actually nothing more difficult on the planet than another person think about that we are all
difficult we all come to each year relationship wanting easy but we also come with their fare share of unresolved painful experiences from previous relationships between love and work love is by far more complex and challenging not much of the reason for this is based in our automatic neurobiological reflexes so let me explain let's start with that fancy neo cortex of yours the High Court Acle areas
for simplicity sake let's call them your ambassador your ambassadors are very smart deliberate but slow and they're very expensive to run the really good at planning predicting organizing the language in and if I may be Frank they're really good at making shit up when you think of logic and reason think ambassadors now the sub cortical areas of your brain let's call them your primitives they're very
fast memory based automatic in very cheap to run they're involved in love and sex but also threat detection my skinny for dangerous faces and voices gestures movements as well as dangerous words and phrases when you think fighter flight think primitives now thanks you primitives your day is ninety nine percent fully automatic your ambassadors love novelty but they have to offload newness to your primitive in order
to conserve resources you can't possibly run your day with your ambassadors in full gear you would fry your brain so the primitives you something called procedural memory otherwise known as body and it works like this you learn to ride a bike in the beginning your primitives and ambassadors are in full gear to learn this new skill but very soon ear primitives are going to automate bike
riding without much need for your ambassadors it goes into procedural memory pretty neat ha okay so now you fall in love with someone and again your brain is lit up you want to know everything about them you want to touch them taste and smell them you can't get enough of them you are high on drugs nature's drugs not those dopamine for wanting more noradrenaline for focusing
attention testosterone forward you know what in a distinct robin serotonin so you can perseveration obsess you are narrow chemically addicted so you spend all your time together for weeks and months and you get serious and this is where the fun begins because very soon your brain is going to automate this new person and there is is going to automate you this is suppose to happen that's
what the brain does in order to function it'll make your relationship feel a lot easier and it will be he will lead you to your first really big mistakes because you think you know each other already so you stop paying attention you stop being fully present your primitives are relying on see jewel memory to run your relationship in that memory includes everyone and everything of emotional
importance in your life in that primitive brain of yours is going to read your partner's thoughts feelings and intentions through that memory lands so it's kinda like this were you giving me a look I fighting give you any look cool worries that tone of voice with me what toe stop it what that what okay that's the sound of two nervous systems misfiring and that is our
nature and that will happen it will be a problem if you don't understand your automatic brain now is a couples therapist I can tell you that fighting in and of itself is inevitable there is no relationship without conflict in fact if you are a conflict of waiter you will appear threatening to your partner the real problem is in that you fight it's when you do one
or both if you threatens to leave the relationship a relationship can survive fights but I cannot survive is loss of safety and security communication memory perception all error prone human communication even on a good day is terrible we're mostly misunderstanding each other much of the time when we feel good we don't care that much when we don't feel good we care a whole lot it would
stress goes up human communication gets a whole lot worse memory is unreliable memory is faulty folks and in a fight for who's memory is right you're probably both raw your perceptions are like fun house mirrors your perceptions are constantly being altered by your state of mind and your memory they're costly playing tricks on you if we assume that our communication our memory our perception is the
real truth that's hubris and that will get us into trouble now I wanted before going on to be clear about threat if you are in an abusive relationship you must get out I'm not talking about big T. threat only small T. threat the kind that we they have to deal with day in and day out as we bump up against each other and we fight but
why do more fights spin out of control well it's because real time is too fast and when we feel threatened we act and react with our primitives harm Vassar's actually have no idea how we got this place it's sort make shit up I'm right dammit in hears what sounds really good to prove my point and you really have no idea what you're talking about but you
sound so confident I want to get to the fun part here since all of you literally carry around her own neurobiology lab with you wherever you go here's a few experiments you can run in the comfort of your own home the next time a relationship moment turns tents change your position go I'd I in face to face notice what happens poet and by the way if
you if you tend to fight a lot while driving in the car it's because your side to side and glance a glance is a threat trigger that's why you should never fight the car or on the phone or while emailing or while texting we're visual animals and we need our eyes in order to regulate each other's nervous system I want you to understand that what I'm
talking about here happens to everyone regardless of personality previous experience in history you know relationship experience or trauma no angels no devils here we are all capable of becoming threatening even to those we love and we're all capable of making huge area %HESITATION mistakes and errors in communication memory and perception all of us the decision to be in a relationship the decision to be in a
committed relationship loving secure functioning means being in the foxhole together and protecting each other from the dangers out there it's not just about getting our own way we're supposed to have each other's backs I've seen far too many relationships and before their time because people cannot get this simple concept our major job is to protect shudder in make each other feel safe and secure the world
