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Channel / Source:
TEDx Talks
Published: 2016-12-21
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-94Ql0UphdA
it's really funny to be introduced as a final intense yeah but fun with this topic is kind of fun so I want to start out by telling you a story so Joe is walking down the street one morning and all of a sudden crash it is raining down on him Welsh Brian I'm like god echo press is a pain Russians back home and by the time
he gets home the blood is dry and the pain in his head is subsiding still little bit there but enough that he forgets about me it's tough you know he forgets about her twenty five years twenty five years and then he starts having these horrendous headaches in vertigo and he's feeling horrible and he can't why he has to go to the doctor so he goes to
the doctor and the doctor examines him and he brings him back into his office Mrs so gentle when did it happen wonder what happened I when did you get shot shy because Joe you have a bullet in your head and believe it or not there are many stories of people walking around with bullets in their head that they're not even aware of and so he thinks
about and he remembers pet gang with the glass raining down on him amazed and the doctor does surgery to remove the bullet and you know with any kind of healing process there's inflammation and pain but that's over it he has a little scar left but now he's back to functioning is back in the world and so why am I telling you about show because living in
a toxic friendships it's like taking a bullet to your head well in Juneau had paid attention to the signs along the way he could ever move that ball and it had a much fuller life and the same thing with toxic friendships if you know the signs along the way you can intervene earlier and not have to suffer the result of being in a bad relationship and
how do I know this well because I goofed off I was in a crazy relationship and I relationships are so important to us friendships are so important will do anything to keep them particular here codependent like I discovered I was and so let me tell you how this all started very very busy I live in New Hampshire and Alicia had babies are little kids is hard
to make friends and I meet this woman and I think starving for friendship and we had this connection so mazing like our eyes lit up we were in a finance it was amazing and we decided that we were gonna hang out together and we had so much fun we might complain the same kind of ways you know we went out and made things and make them
talk and we told silly jokes we really had fun together for awhile and then things started to change now what happens soon beginning at that there's chemistry there's good chemistry others not so good chemistry right now if you had bad chemistry it can blow up in your face but you don't know how at the beginning whether it is good chemistry or bad chemistry you have to
have an open heart to allow yourself to find out the figure it out let me tell you one other thing about friendships there is research that shows that we are more likely to live longer and healthier lives if we have good friends and if you have a health challenges research that shows contrary to what you would think more than with the spouse having good friend helped
us heal and faster and so when you find a friend he would hold on to them but I hear cares what happened all of a sudden we have established that we were BFF's and all of a sudden she started telling me about her other best friend issues going swimming with here are the best friend okay it kinda hurt me a little bit little shot and then
she said you know you really shouldn't and she started criticizing me unsolicited and that you say you really have to change that can unsolicited and then we would have crazy amounts of talk time where I was beginning to step back because she told me I had to change so I put on my therapy Catherine I thought okay I'll take care of her and I would listen
and then when she was done telling me this whole thing that was bothering her she said okay gotta go in there I was not telling about who I was anymore stepping back stepping back I was walking on eggshells you know what it's like to walk on egg shells depression and waited then gotten telling you can't have a relationship walking on egg shells and my self worth
with the high when she was in a good mood would drop down which was in a bad mood and I'm just beginning to like get really O. see dealer comic I should I call her she can call me and when you get that involved in that injected there something wrong that's a sign or something wrong but did I intervene with myself now no and so my
whole self worth was vacillating and I was feeling sad headaches I was stressed out I mean here I am with a working sixteen hours a day but perhaps them I was thinking about what's going on in this relationship until finally the last blow because no one damn ten mission part of giving a weapon or two coaches that it provides and she says you know what you
haven't changed were done creek she had some like why don't I start texting her I have to go into supervision touching her no answer and I realize it's done I told you how important friendship is for a longevity for happiness for quality of life you realize there are no programs that teach you how to be a friend counselor friend therapists there's marriage therapy there's family therapy
there's individual therapy there's executive leadership coaching friendship which is so important there's no program for that how crazy is that so I run that weapon are kind of like robotically and I see what we can to jail if you say oh Mike my friend just told me you know people say damn just a friend get over it cannot where my heart was broken okay what would
I do what would I do for someone coming to me first thing I would do if I'd say let yourself feel what you feel you don't wanna take it in and hold on to a soul becomes some boiled that's gonna burst join you and Hanna we make ourselves sick with with sadness right in anger so I was going up against are going up and down stairs
going up no stairs and I was screaming I'm so angry at how waged and then it was crying thank heavens hoping just my best friend no one point I was so upset I just sat down collapsed onto the stair and I stubbed and then I said to myself you know she's a poopy head road a I was attributed to you gotta figure this out so this
doesn't happen again and I did the one thing they do well I started waiting I started writing figured if I put my feelings down in my thoughts down about it I begin to figure it out and as I did that things became clearer and clearer Nash under seeing how I contributed and then one day one morning I got up and getting ready to go out a
little earlier they said you know what I'm going to be your best friend and the other way looking back at me what really and Tara we wanted to do today and I started doing things with myself that I wanted to do with a friend with my best friend so Mimi would do things we were painting we went for a walk to an out to dinner we
went to the movies we were having fun name me and as I was getting to myself in this way I felt better better about myself love myself more and the weirdest thing happens I was letting myself more other people were coming to me I I was my own best friend and therefore I had plenty of other love for other people it was in Tashkent with one
person with the most amazing thing you know I have tons of friends and there were wonderful understood no desperation and so one of the things that I want you to know is that when I talk about this people come lining up and say you know that happens when you don't have to you know to happen to me proudly and the rest are actually wind it had
happened ten years ago twenty to go thirty years ago they still have the bullet in their head that they have been extracted and so I'm sure paid the full into this because I've heard it from so many people either have a toxic friendships or they've lived one in the past and this time some pain about it and so a new invite you to let that out
in here they say we're looking for a friend the best friends are too equals whole people the snow such pain in fact what I invite you to do testifying somebody that you really really like in love who's fallen to find people who can appreciate each other and even appreciate the far make great friends so a really good friend is a good day but slightly cracked thank
